MadTV: The journal

Chav Assassin
I still can't believe what happened to me last tuesday night.

I'm on my way home from work and I get onto the last main road before home (Hollyhead Rd for anyone who knows Cov). I'm coming up to a traffic light controlled cross road (by the Texaco) where I going to turn left. 40 yards to go I indicate left, as I reach the junction I swoop right to get a better angle into the left hand road and then crank it over left. In the second I've swooped right a white chaved-up hatchback dives up the left hand side of me! So as I turn I find I'm turning into a car. I straighten it up and head straight on in the junction with my blood about 90% adrenaline. She's going crazy in her chavmobile, flipping me off shouting and swearing like its my fault. Obviously I used some sign language to indicate my opinion of her attempt to kill and then bugger off before she gets another chance to kill me.

After I've mulled it over the lessons I've drawn are - I shouldn't have swooped right, it gave a pyscho car to much room to my left. It had never occured to me that a car could do this to me so it's been added to my awareness list. I will still do that corner like that but only when there is no traffic behind me. Another lesson learned in defensive riding.

Still flumoxed that she dived up the left of a vehicle indicating left though! Pyscho car drivers...

My golden rule is always assume everyone on the road is out to kill you and that they will do the most unlikely and stupid things to achieve this goal.
This demonstrates why they tell to do a "lifesaver" look over you left shoulder when turning left.

"Still flumoxed that she dived up the left of a vehicle indicating left though!"

A. She is stupid.
Date Added: 22/02/2007

Yeah Mick,
I did my lifesaver, I knew she was behind me it just never occured to me that anyone would do what she did. In future no car will be given the opportunity to dive into a gap beside me.

I have a list of things that I expect other vehicles to do - things like "1. Cars will move into my lane as if I am not there" etc - and this has been added to this list and will not catch me again. :D
Date Added: 22/02/2007

Gone Away
They're called morons, Mad, and you find them in all walks of life. Even bikers...
Date Added: 22/02/2007

Yeah I've seen a few numpty moves from bikers too! Er I may have made the odd mistake myself...
Date Added: 22/02/2007

Just be grateful you aren't in oz. Here they can't even stay in lane when travelling in a straight line and they speed up when you indicate to pull out so that you can't. Mind you it doesn't help that the government have created the road system based on the fact that they want it to be Australian and unlike anything anywhere else. For example rather than a slip lane on to a motorway, you have a junction. Try joining fast moving traffic from 0 at rush hour.

Then there is the removal of the 'slow lane'. whenever you want to funnell 3 lanes into 2 surely the most sensible thing to do is filter the slow moving cars into the fast lane......isn't it?

and why have traffic lights if you cannot turn right at them? This one beyond all others blows my mind. Stop all the traffic but dont allow people to turn right...... Then of course there is the 'allow people to park on main roads during the day' theory. Take a dual carriageway in a busy city and 50 yards after the lights take the left lane and turn it into a car park. It keeps you on your toes if nothing else. Still i guess it is to be expected bearing in mind that people turning right used to have right of way up until twenty years ago. Can you imagine the carnage? Just turn right whenever you like and if they hit you its their fault! Plus to get a license here you only need to do 40 hours of driving with a qualified driver than apply for your license. It must be an easy thing to get because no one here uses a mirror for anything other than putting on lipstick. I could go on but i'm homesick for a chav to try and ram the side of my car
Date Added: 23/02/2007

Be careful what you wish for Keefy!

Yeah I enjoyed watching the mayhem that is Sydney's main roads - of course back then I was an amused spectator not a scared participant. Do they still allow undertaking?

You should try a Greek roundabout, the people coming onto the roundabout have right of way over those already on it.
Date Added: 23/02/2007

It's become evident that people are more and more incompetent. On top of that I've noticed that selfishness seems to rule the day. It drives them ( no pun intended ) to do things that are considered "felony stupid".

Now the little comment from a trainer. One of the things you need to do with your lane position is to protect your lane. It's a shame we have to be so paranoid about it, but it's like the Blue Whale. The largest creature on earth and yet their throat opening is so small they can only ingest those tiny little Krill. Why?

Date Added: 23/02/2007

Hi Irondad!

So it's easy to choke blue whales then?

Yeah paranoia is the correct state for us bikers, I've learnt to accept that but sometimes the fun wipes out the caution. :D
Date Added: 23/02/2007

"You should try a Greek roundabout"
Is that food or a bizarre sex act?
Date Added: 23/02/2007

Yeah it's a famous Greek dish... lots of aubergine in it. :D
Date Added: 23/02/2007

The Snark
You think that's nuts? I've had a driver try to squeeze by me when I was in the fast lane, doing the posted speed limit. And this was in heavy traffic as well.
Date Added: 28/02/2007

Hey, nice to see you over here Snark (if I can call you Snark?)!

Yeah as nutty manuevers go that's a scary one, I hope you indicated your displeasure with the appropriate sign language?
Date Added: 28/02/2007

Have you ever considered carrying a water pistol filled with red ink? You could wait till they get to close and are passing you then spray the side window with red ink and bang on it. they will think theyve killed you and much hilarity will ensue.....
Date Added: 01/03/2007

Date Added: 02/03/2007

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Couverture Lille
woo that was close. good luck for you bro!
Date Added: 15/09/2020

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